The G-vegas O-Limpiks

Hash Trash No. 59: (But can we really call this a hash?)
In one of the most devious and underhanded events in the
history of UHHH, Narcoleptic Noodle and 7 Seconds lured a dozen or so
hashers to downtown on the pretense of a hash and instead tried to
sell them an array of ginzu knives, time-shares and AmWay products to
no avail.
Or something like that…just read on. The G-Vegas O-Limpiks
appeared to be just like any other hash with a flier, a promise of
beer and some exercise when the usual gang of degenerates arrived
behind the popular Chicora Alley downtown.Hashers were asked to wear
gear representing a specific country (Olympics theme) as well. The
hounds started to drink heavily while the hares started to act
suspiciously. They whispered to each other. Made excuses for delays.
Filled out a strange chart system. And would vanish every few minutes
into the bar.
A half hour late per tradition, the hares called the pack to a
start. NFHN John (more on this poor soul later) noted that Noodle was
wearing sandals instead of sneakers. And then 7 Seconds drew a chalk
start line with powder and announced it was a beer mile! A beer mile,
for the uninformed, is the bastard child of a hash run and a sprint
race where the contestants chug a beer, run a quarter mile; chug a
beer, run a quarter mile; chug a beer, run a quarter mile and finally,
you guessed it chug a beer, run a quarter mile.
After some grousing by the hounds and assurances it was a beer
mile, and what a beer mile was, the event started. Prom Queen, who
drank four beers already, chugged his Busch Lite in about 8 seconds
and was the first one off the line. Prom Queen’s early lead, though,
was short lived as Peggy Pullanasti took the lead in the first lap and
led the next two as well. Virgin Scott pushed Pullanasti on the fourth
lap, but could not exceed the pride of Syracuse.
The real battle came for third place when NFHN Tanya overtook
former Michigan State University cross country star, seven-time
Transplant Olympic medalist, nine-time Transgender Olympic medalist,
and 18-time Foley Family Backyard BBQ and Jamboree champion Daily Newd
on the final hill by one second. Prom Queen finally finished fifth
with Butt Sex bringing up his rear. Piss Tumble fell across the line
for seventh while Chair Banger pummeled his way to eight. Virgin Les
popped his cherry on the way to ninth place and NFHN John came in
10th.
Virgin Melinda was the only person smart enough to just drink
and stopped running. Then came the circle where many celebratory down-
downs where consumed by virgins, hares and NFHN Tanya learned a
valuable lesson about wearing r*ce attire and shoes. And then there
was the naming of NFHN John. Daily Newd led the questioning where
slowly NFHN John’s life were unfolded like the layers of a rather
stinky onion. Revealed were a history of heavy drinking, rampant
weight loss, multiple marriages, multiple sex partners, multiple
crimes, nudist camps, debauchery, lechery, voting Republican and
several odd career choices. And that was just what happened in the
week leading up to the hash.
With all of that in mind, the pack redubbed NFHN John “Rug
Renovator.” The circle was closed and the pack retired to Chicora
Alley just in time to watch the Braves lose an 18-inning NLCS game to