The 91st running of the Upstate Hash House Harriers -- aka, the Son of
MLK Hash -- began in a field in southern Greenville County on a windy
but warm Sunday afternoon. On a day when much of the nation honored
the memory and impact Martin Luther King had upon this great nation,
41 hashers gathered to honor the memory and impact Eberhard Anheuser
and Adolphus Busch can have on the shriveled minds of hashers.
As MLK once said himself, "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than
a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Which sounds like a
good slogan for hashers if any of them were literate. But alas, no one
was bright enough or sober enough to remember anything MLK ever said,
let alone who the hell he was. So, hash instructions were given and
the hares departed.
Why does the chicken cross the road? To follow trail, of course. So
the hashers stopped traffic on U.S. Highway 25 running randomly to and
fro, like, well chickens with their heads cut off. A series of
intersections, bad trails and general slow running led to a Check Back
7 which led through a shiggy-licious field ripe with fire ant mounds
the size of basketballs and finally to cold beer.
As the hashers quaffed the sacred amber fluid, trespassing in a most
defiant way, these words from MLK surely didn't ring in their ears:
"In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law. That would lead
to anarchy."
But break the law they did, and it was good. After many, many minutes
of drinking, chatting and drinking, the hares were off to who knows
where. Well, the FRBs (front-running bastards) did, sort of, as they
chased trail back across U.S. 25 and down a road, along a promising
false trail through woods, down a long utility right of way, along
endless roads, and other places no one ever wanted to go, until a
mysterious "BN" was seen chalked on the road. But where was the beer?
The pack was puzzled, until an abandoned house was spied through an
equally abandoned RV park and the beer truck was spotted as well. Oh
joy.
More drinking and chatting and drinking ensued. Before long, damn it,
the hares were off on the third leg. It was a tough call: Stay with
the beer truck and drain it or run? Foolishly, the pack followed
trail. Crossing U.S. 25 again and into the parking lot of a church
where the men, women and children were delighted to greet the hashers
with joyful shouts such as: "What the hell are you doing?" "Run
Forest, Run!" and the ever popular, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, looks at those
crazy white folk." If MLK had been there himself, he might have said:
"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a
nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by
the content of their character." And what he would have realized as
hashers ran by, if he was alive and present, is that the content of a
hasher's character is severely lacking. Oh well.
The trail led back into the woods, where a fiendishly intricate trail
wound through trees, briars, across streams and uphill until yet
another BN was spotted at a -- you guessed it -- abandoned house. But
not just any abandoned house, this is a veritable complex of abandoned
houses, sheds, garages and a swimming pool. With little thought to his
own safety, Pole Dancer jumped in the empty pool and declared the
circle would be held in this very spot, much like Christopher Columbus
claimed to discover America which sincerely amused the Indians who
were standing around wondering what he would taste like.
Anyway, the circle formed and believe it or not, for the 90th time in
91 votes, the trail was declared "shitty" and the hares were honored
with a down-down. Various other crimes, real and imagined, were
mentioned and the criminals honored with more down-downs.
Just after the keg was drained, and the multiple cases of beer
mysteriously evaporated, NFHN Heather was called into the circle and
interrogated. She revealed she lost her virginity at age 13 in a
playhouse, she flashed the neighbor on her front step unintentionally
and desires to be a midwife among other things. After she was sent
away, various names were suggested: Playtime, Howdy Neighbor, Lucky
13, Wet Nurse, Battery Operated Boyfriend, and some other crap, and
the naming committee after much debate determined her name should be
forever and for now: "Batteries Not Included."
With that, the hash was closed. And once again, the words of MLK
seemed to fit: "Free at last; free at last; thank God Almighty we are
free at last."
And so it was. An On-After was held at the Hog's Head Saloon where
shots were shat, pool was shot, no one was shot, although pizza was
consumed and beer devoured. So sayeth the hash.
