The Someone’s Going to Drown Hash

Sunday, July 27th, 2008
The Someone’s Going to Drown Hash
Location: Lake Conestee Nature Park
Number of Hashers: Around 25
Virgins: 5

The theme for one of Greenville County’s most unique parks, Lake Conestee is “a world apart”. Hares Daily Newd and Rigor Mortis showed the other 25 hashers that there really is a another world when it comes to hashing. At the chalk talk, expectations were running high already as rumors spread through the slowly intensifying 96 degree afternoon that a “world record” would be set during the hash. Now being as it may that our illustrious group of debauchers frowns on competition, this statement proved to carry with it much apprehension as the trail began. A nice rain shower accompanied the hashers down the first trail which was amazingly “shig free” yet littered with signs telling the eager hashers to “beware” and “turn around”. What kind of danger was up ahead? Oddly enough, the danger was about to present itself. The Lake Conestee Nature Park is several hundred acres of wetland runoff from Greenville’s perpetually polluted…..I mean spectacular Reedy River valley. After a special trail mark instructing the hashers to “free range” in the traditional style of Former Grandmaster of the UHHH Pole Dancer, we arrived at the first beer stop….excuse me beer movement.

That’s right, a beer movement. Not only were we joined by the truant former GM Pole Dancer (who served as the third hare for the rest of the way), the hashers were each issued a personal flotation device, proceeded to blow them up, grab their beer and we began our journey down floating and tubing down the Reedy River on a quest to achieve a hashdom world record….the longest beer stop ever achieved. Several places along the 1 mile (it seemed like 5) stretch of river were shallow and we trudged through the mud until we could plop down and float some more. Rather than float gently down the river at a leisurely pace, some of the hashers seemed to have visions of a scene from the movie “Stand by Me” playing in their heads as the pace livened. (SPECIAL NOTE: If you haven’t seen Stand by Me, rent it and this will make sense) Although the theme of the hash was someone’s going to drown, amazingly enough we all survived tubing down the Reedy and the hashers seemed to really enjoy themselves.

We arrived at the second beer stop where the hashers deposited their river rafts and reveled in the possibility of voting the trail as an unprecedented “non-shitty” trail. This idea was quickly lost as the 2nd leg proved to be much of the same shiggyness we have so grown accustomed to…briars, brambles, poison ivy and hoping over big fences. The trail took us away from the warm embrace of natures children…bugs, ticks and leeches to our third beer stop which was back in civilization…..well kind of. Greenville’s abandoned Municipal Stadium was where the hashers one-by-one took turns emptying the mud out of their shoes, ringing out their socks and salvaging what energy they had left after being cooked by the sun along the river. Our hares then took off on the final leg of our tour in the hopes that their promise of “follow the arrows” during the chalk talk earlier would graciously come true. As it turns out the hares did not disappoint and the final leg was for the most part pretty straight forward and direct with one minor issue….as we were attempting to fjord the great Reedy River once again, Father of the Year and Hunka Hunka Grinding Love found a perfect opportunity to practice their mud wrestling skills (as it was reported to your oh so humble author and front running bastard) as Hunka took a tumble and FOTY made a chivalrous attempt to rescue her only to find himself in the mud as well.

At circle, the down-downs were plentiful as the group celebrated the hash crimes, July birthdays, FRB’s, DFL’s and recently newfound celebrities…. Chair Banger and High Chair Banger were featured in this week’s issue of Greenville’s Link magazine sporting their favorite T-shirts. As Chair Banger so eloquently put it in his interview, his wife was going to throw away that t-shirt because he earned it for winning a Frisbee golf tournament! Bravo Mrs. Chair Banger! That’s exactly where all of those event t-shirts belong….in the garbage! The vote was a real squeaker (almost) as seven votes were tallied for “good trail” to 15 for shitty trail. We met our virgins at circle. One in particular was of note. A fellow named Charles whose beer swilling techniques and choice of hash apparel gave him a striking resemblance to Cousin Eddie from the “National Lampoon Vacation” movies. (Take note for future naming) Major props go to Daily Newd and Rigor Mortis for the originality and resourcefulness it took to pull off a hash where a bunch of adults float down a 6 foot deep river, drinking beer in the hot sun and someone NOT drown? Props to Pole Dancer for just fucking showing up.

Thanks to our visitor hasher from Pensacola, FL now living in Hendersonville, Bad Dad. I liked that song you taught us….I think we were all too drunk to remember it though.

Until next time…
Skidmark