Pre-Super Bowl Hash

Hash No. 63

Hares: Lady Long Legs, NFHN Tanya (Open Leg Rock Her) and Just Hillary
(Once Bitten, Twice Shy)

Harriers: Daily Newd, Bust Her Hymen, Narcoleptic Noodle, TMI, Rug
Doctor, Pole Dancer, NFHN Jason, NFHN Jarret, NFHN Jason C., Just
Warren, Just Sarah, Just Amber, Just Mahalia, Just Renee, Just Carol,
Just Bubba, Just Ritchey

For reasons known only to the hares, the UHHH decided to live up
its name as Upstate and venture in Spartanburg for a late January
Hash.

Harriers were asked to wear something with an NFL logo on it.
Somehow only one real team was represented, the Pittsburgh Steelers
and other people wore shirts with Panthers, Lions, Bears Redskins, Ron
Mexico, Atlanta Braves, Sports Illustrated, Ohio State and Beat
Michigan on them.

Despite that poor showing of apparel, the hash started a half-hour
late. Lady Long Leg made up some crap about the hash marks, which
included a "football mark." Upon finding the crude football looking
thing, hares were told to hand off a rather worn football (see Hash
Trash no. 63) until all the hares got through.

The hares then departed while the harriers feasted on Old
Milwaukee and Pabst Blue Ribbon to their hearts content and gave the
hares a 10-minute head start. The pack started on a main road, and
quickly took a left and went really, really, really far.

And then the pack turned right. And it went really, really, really
far.

And then it went right again. And went really, really, really far
until we got to the beer stop. Along the way, the hares had left about
a dozen boob checks and football marks, which really slow the pack
down when they're running really, really far.

The hares left again clandestinely and the pack slowly walked a
nice forest trail to see where they went. There was fear they had
crossed a polluted looking stream, but no the hares just went really,
really, really far and turned left.

The trail led up a main road to a large intersection where the
pack couldn't seem to find the trail. Some of the harriers decided the
trail was too far and followed a false trail through some shiggy and
to the on-in.

The rest of the pack followed a long loop before finding the on-in
at Just Jason's house, who quickly tried to sell harriers a large
collection of late-model Buicks, and the house itself.

Since there was no beer, people sat around and groused about the
hares and waited for the beer to arrive and form circle. Daily Newd
consecrated the circle and soon down-downs began.

The hares were given poor grades for their trail, several hashers
were forced to drink for wearing hats in the circle, the virgins
( Just Warren, Just Carol, Just Bubba, Just Renee, Just Sarah, Just
Amber and Just Mahalia) drank, TMI drank for spilling beer, and
Narcoleptic Noodle for being the FRB.

And then we had two namings.

NFHN Tanya went first. A native of Omaha (that's in Nebraska) who
first had sex in Clearwater, and teaches a Clemson Leisure Studies
class on pilates, gave a lot of great information and stories, which
was a truly bad idea on her part, but helped the naming committee
greatly.

She revealed that she has the longest name on earth and it
includes three or four first names, a few last names picked up in
various failed marriages and one name she found in a sale bin at Wal-
Mart. She told an amusing tale about falling into a Koi pond during a
party, which led to an impromptu wet T-shirt party for herself and
also told about her long career playing piano and singing. She also
added her favorite pilates position was the open leg rocker, which she
refused to demonstrate. Names suggested included Open Leg Party, Open
Leg Wet Party, Open Leg Tickler, Butt Sex, She's a Mouthful, but
finally we chose the somewhat kind Open Leg Rock her.

Just Hilary was a little bit different story. Oh, she gave some
great stories about falling, tripping, colliding, smashing and
dropping almost everything known to man. She talked about "not doing
anything" during a stint in a Tennessee college. A propensity to gab,
she talked about drinking and brushes with the law. The pack thought
we had enough to name her until TMI brought up a story from Hilary's
past involving a wayward spider, a bathing suit, and openings in
people's body parts.

This led to a small list of names including Dazed and Confused,
G.D., will you shut up, but a quick consensus came to "Once Bitten,
Twice Shy."

This led to a minor debate of what ’80s rock band sang that song.
Motley Crue, Def Lepperd, White Tiger and Great White were all
mentioned as possibles. Go to the "Inter Web" site
www.cnn.com/2003/US/Northeast/02/21/deadly.nightclub.fire/ for more
information.

The circle was broken and in UHHH tradition, the pack went to a
Mexican restaurant for the after party. The restaurant owner
apologized to the pack saying that since it was Sunday he didn't serve
beer. The pack sighed and turned to go away when the owner replied, "I
do serve tequila," and there was much rejoicing, jubilation and
drinking of copious amounts of margaritas.

MLK Jr. Day Memoral Hash

Hash No. 62

Hares: Rug Renovator ( Rug Doctor) and Peggy Pullanasti ( Pole Dancer)
Beer truck driver: Just Matt

Start: Sirrine Stadium at 2:30

Harriers: Daily Newd, Lady Longlegs, TMI, Narcolepetic Noodle, Seven
Seconds, That Would be the Butt Bob, Semper Felonius, Chair Banger,
Busta Hymen, Butt Sex (titty titty gang bang) NFHN Carl, NFHN Tanya,
HFHN Ray (No Cocky Bukkake), NFHN Dave, NFHN Rebecca, NFHN Geu, Just
Greg M., Just Lynn, Just Kathy, Just Adam, Just Reed, Just Tess

Aahh, the joys of modern Greenville. The same year the county
decides to pay employees for not working an MLK Holiday, the UHHH
offered up its own tribute. We will let you decide who did better.
The hares, Rug Renovator and Peggy Pullanasti, gathered a
larger than usual band of deviants, druggies, drunks and dope fiends
at Sirrine Stadium near downtown Greenville. The hares got worried as
more and more harriers arrived. This was much more than planned.
A half hour later, per tradition, the Hares told the pack about
the trail and what to expect. They mentioned a side reference that
area was picked because of its significance to MLK history. Jesse
Jackson was born on nearby Haynie Street before moving cross town to
the projects named
after him.
The pack couldn't care less.
So the hares, took off and laid a trail up a long hill, down a
slightly shiggy area that was once apartments, over a river, under a
six-lane road, up a flight of stairs and finally to a hotel under
renovation into apartments.
They sat barely a few minutes when the pack rounded the corner
and saw them sitting in the parking lot. There was much rejoicing and
general downgrading of the trail. At least two harriers were missing,
and TMI went looking for them.
Sensing confusion, the hares took off again. Along their way,
they were barked at by dogs, accosted by the local citizenry, and
found the missing harriers going in the wrong direction.
The second stop ended at the Department of Health. The pack
soon came up, looking exhausted and in dire need of malted hops. They
got fortified wine. As the pack played football in the parking lot
with a trash-hash football, the hares took off yet again.
They went back through a neighborhood, told some kids not to
say they came by and slumped into the on-in, an abandoned parking lot.
The pack soon arrived having been aided by the kids, and a circle was
formed. Daily Newd performed an MLK Day miracle by turning the meager
amount of beer and fortified wine left into enough for many many down
downs.
And there were a lot of down-downs.
The hares were mocked for their poor excuse of a trail,
numerous penalties were given including Just Tess for wearing new
shows, Daily Newd and Rug Renovator for wearing a hat in circle, the
five virgins (Just Tess, Just Greg, Just Reed, Just Adam and Just
Kathy), truck driver Matt, and Narcoleptic Noodle for getting engaged,
and 7 Seconds for having a birthday.
And then Daily Newd announced there would be three renamings,
just because they could. Rug
Renovator was renamed Rug Doctor (per his wife's suggestion, and since
he'd been calling himself that anyway), Peggy Pullanasti was redubbed
Pole Dancer (in honor of his Polish heritage and his previous fondness
for skanky strippers, and also, because no one really knew why we
called him
Peggy Pullanasti in the first place), and Butt Sex was redubbed Titty-
Titty Gang-Bang (since we were all tired of hearing how much she hates
butt sex(?) and because she has undergone a
mammalian augmentation).
And somewhere Meatloaf was singing "two out of three ain't
bad." Then there was a final naming. Stalwart hasher NFHN Ray, who had
hashed in Richmond, Pittsburgh and during two pathetic UHHH hashes was
brought before the crowd. He confessed to losing his virginity at age
14, holding a doctorate, being involved in a large drug bust while in
college, passing out in a Golden Griddle in Myrtle Beach, being a
marine, being a professor at Clemson, his favorite farm animal being
the cow, going to Varina High School and having a former professional
tennis playing girlfriend.
Under normal circumstances, that would be enough to name a hasher.
But NFHN Ray talked about a proposed business model he came up
with in the late 1990s for an Internet site: Chicken Bukkake (Thanks
to TMI for proper spelling).
Well, he was dismissed and the pack came up with a laundry list
of names: Professor Bukkake, Dr. Bukkake, Golden Bukkake, Butt Sex,
Rough Sex, Young and Hung, Sake Bukkake, Bovine Bukkake, Bukkake in
your Varina and finally No Cocky Bukkake.
No Cocky Bukkake won out.
Circle was finally closed before anyone perished to hypothermia
and an on-after was held at the Blockhouse on Augusta where Rug
Doctor, Titty-Titty Gang-Bang and No Cocky Bukkake downed shots of
Jaegermeister to honor their names, and Narcoleptic Noodle was toasted
with champagne to honor his coming nuptials.