Hares: Rug Renovator ( Rug Doctor) and Peggy Pullanasti ( Pole Dancer)
Beer truck driver: Just Matt
Start: Sirrine Stadium at 2:30
Harriers: Daily Newd, Lady Longlegs, TMI, Narcolepetic Noodle, Seven
Seconds, That Would be the Butt Bob, Semper Felonius, Chair Banger,
Busta Hymen, Butt Sex (titty titty gang bang) NFHN Carl, NFHN Tanya,
HFHN Ray (No Cocky Bukkake), NFHN Dave, NFHN Rebecca, NFHN Geu, Just
Greg M., Just Lynn, Just Kathy, Just Adam, Just Reed, Just Tess
Aahh, the joys of modern Greenville. The same year the county
decides to pay employees for not working an MLK Holiday, the UHHH
offered up its own tribute. We will let you decide who did better.
The hares, Rug Renovator and Peggy Pullanasti, gathered a
larger than usual band of deviants, druggies, drunks and dope fiends
at Sirrine Stadium near downtown Greenville. The hares got worried as
more and more harriers arrived. This was much more than planned.
A half hour later, per tradition, the Hares told the pack about
the trail and what to expect. They mentioned a side reference that
area was picked because of its significance to MLK history. Jesse
Jackson was born on nearby Haynie Street before moving cross town to
the projects named
after him.
The pack couldn't care less.
So the hares, took off and laid a trail up a long hill, down a
slightly shiggy area that was once apartments, over a river, under a
six-lane road, up a flight of stairs and finally to a hotel under
renovation into apartments.
They sat barely a few minutes when the pack rounded the corner
and saw them sitting in the parking lot. There was much rejoicing and
general downgrading of the trail. At least two harriers were missing,
and TMI went looking for them.
Sensing confusion, the hares took off again. Along their way,
they were barked at by dogs, accosted by the local citizenry, and
found the missing harriers going in the wrong direction.
The second stop ended at the Department of Health. The pack
soon came up, looking exhausted and in dire need of malted hops. They
got fortified wine. As the pack played football in the parking lot
with a trash-hash football, the hares took off yet again.
They went back through a neighborhood, told some kids not to
say they came by and slumped into the on-in, an abandoned parking lot.
The pack soon arrived having been aided by the kids, and a circle was
formed. Daily Newd performed an MLK Day miracle by turning the meager
amount of beer and fortified wine left into enough for many many down
downs.
And there were a lot of down-downs.
The hares were mocked for their poor excuse of a trail,
numerous penalties were given including Just Tess for wearing new
shows, Daily Newd and Rug Renovator for wearing a hat in circle, the
five virgins (Just Tess, Just Greg, Just Reed, Just Adam and Just
Kathy), truck driver Matt, and Narcoleptic Noodle for getting engaged,
and 7 Seconds for having a birthday.
And then Daily Newd announced there would be three renamings,
just because they could. Rug
Renovator was renamed Rug Doctor (per his wife's suggestion, and since
he'd been calling himself that anyway), Peggy Pullanasti was redubbed
Pole Dancer (in honor of his Polish heritage and his previous fondness
for skanky strippers, and also, because no one really knew why we
called him
Peggy Pullanasti in the first place), and Butt Sex was redubbed Titty-
Titty Gang-Bang (since we were all tired of hearing how much she hates
butt sex(?) and because she has undergone a
mammalian augmentation).
And somewhere Meatloaf was singing "two out of three ain't
bad." Then there was a final naming. Stalwart hasher NFHN Ray, who had
hashed in Richmond, Pittsburgh and during two pathetic UHHH hashes was
brought before the crowd. He confessed to losing his virginity at age
14, holding a doctorate, being involved in a large drug bust while in
college, passing out in a Golden Griddle in Myrtle Beach, being a
marine, being a professor at Clemson, his favorite farm animal being
the cow, going to Varina High School and having a former professional
tennis playing girlfriend.
Under normal circumstances, that would be enough to name a hasher.
But NFHN Ray talked about a proposed business model he came up
with in the late 1990s for an Internet site: Chicken Bukkake (Thanks
to TMI for proper spelling).
Well, he was dismissed and the pack came up with a laundry list
of names: Professor Bukkake, Dr. Bukkake, Golden Bukkake, Butt Sex,
Rough Sex, Young and Hung, Sake Bukkake, Bovine Bukkake, Bukkake in
your Varina and finally No Cocky Bukkake.
No Cocky Bukkake won out.
Circle was finally closed before anyone perished to hypothermia
and an on-after was held at the Blockhouse on Augusta where Rug
Doctor, Titty-Titty Gang-Bang and No Cocky Bukkake downed shots of
Jaegermeister to honor their names, and Narcoleptic Noodle was toasted
with champagne to honor his coming nuptials.
No comments:
Post a Comment